Talking to my grandmother

After a looong period of time, I finally went to talk to my grandmother today. It’s always hard for me cos I end up getting choked up from the endless amounts of emotion. So sometimes I would prefer not to go into her room at all. But today I didn’t. Because I saw how happy she was despite me being in there for only 5-10 minutes. 

It is so unfair when I think about her current state. Did the Devil come one day and swish my grandmother away, leaving us a shell of her old self, without any of us knowing? What happened to my grandmother?? Bring her back! Nobody deserves this. I blink back tears every time I see my grandmother struggle to enunciate and repeat her words, enunciate and repeat, just so we can understand her. Many times now I can barely understand her and end up smiling and nodding to reassure her though I had no idea what she was saying. 

Looking at her grey and darkened eyes, I find it hard to believe that she was once young and vibrant too. But the evidence is there, from the pictures adorning her bed top that she smiled happily for. My grandmother once could walk, and I remember her saying she was on the badminton school team. She told me stories of war times and how they could only survive on sweet potatos, beansprouts and porridge. I didn’t listen. I didn’t think that I would never have had a chance to listen to those stories again. 

If it’s hard for us, it must be way harder for my grandmother. I really cannot bring myself to imagine what she goes through. These days, in my short conversations with her, I tell her about the going-ons of the world, and about myself. I ask her the same questions, she gives the same answers. I broached the topic of my going overseas. She seemed sad. My grandmother is one of the people I’ll miss the most, and worry for. The worst news I can ever receive is if my grandmother’s conditions worsens and that I cannot be there in the flesh for her. I would hate to only see her through Skype and all, it is not the same. I cannot touch her hair and lie next to her on the bed where she rests, I cannot pat her, I cannot massage her through Skype. Times like these really make me wanna say Fuck it and stay in Singapore, really. 

The more I think of it, the more depressing it gets 😔 婆婆我爱你 and may God bless you with health and as much happiness as possible. 

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