Monthly Archives: May 2016

Something weighing on my heart

I cannot believe how low-key conscious about my weight. Yeah you can say it’s just a number/it doesn’t define you/lower weight doesn’t equal healthy blah blah blah, I’ve heard it all and I believe it most of the time. I’d like to think that I’m really not that affected about my weight (even when I look in the mirror, maybe to the point of being delusional) But let me tell you, studying overseas, having the sudden freedom to BUY YOUR OWN GROCERIES AND WHATEVER-THE-HELL-YOU-WANT has not been kind to my body. And that is why I recently started eating healthy, garnishing my meals with green vegetables. (And a bit of exercise)

But, at the same time, it’s so hard to be in a class full of girls with the typical Asian female physique – petite in size, fair-skinned, not to mention, SKINNY. After they went on an entire conversation about losing weight and not being able to wear tank tops cos of their “flabby” (not, fyi) arms, I couldn’t take it any longer. I speed walked home and wrote this post. Didn’t realize how different I was until today, but different in no sense meaning good or bad, just, different. I guess it’s a matter of accepting myself as I am and not changing to conform to any particular type. It’s so hard! 

I’ve been blessed with skinny legs since young (but they were skinnier once upon a time) and my trouble area was undoubtedly my stomach, I had somehow over the course of JC managed to accumulate a gut, able to rival a coffee-shop ahpek who drinks beer every night, yes, and that is no exaggeration. I have tried eating clean and exercising (albeit temporarily) and it didn’t have much (visible) effect, so I stopped. This only served to worsen my gut problem and now I practically only wear looser tops that skim the stomach area. I’m torn between “accepting myself” (which I know could use some work) and just biting the bullet and starting an exercise regime or something.

But there’s one problem: I love food.

Lord help me. 

Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this post other than to vomit all my toxic thoughts that could have killed me in my brain. If you’re facing this problem, I hope you do better than me. At least there’s one thing we can count on, and that is that (consistent) effort always pays off. 



Disappointing news 

When you receive disappointing news, you tell all those closest to you in the hope that they can offer you solace and drag you out of the pit that you find yourself drowning in. When you receive disappointing news, you close your eyes and open them again and again in the hope that this is another one of your terrifying nightmares. When you receive disappointing news, you cry. When you receive disappointing news, you look back at all you have done and wonder if that wasn’t enough, if you’ll ever be enough, if you should stop trying.

It may last a few minutes, a few hours, even a few days. But it does go away. 

Then you tell yourself, you are enough. You are not defined by a single number, an acceptance, a rejection. You are you, you are defined by your response to all that you go through, your struggles, your triumphs, your happiness, your sadness. 

You pick yourself up, dust off your knees, and trudge ahead without looking back. 

One day you’ll remember this incident and how it shaped you for the better. And you’ll thank the universe that one door closed for another to open.