Something weighing on my heart

I cannot believe how low-key conscious about my weight. Yeah you can say it’s just a number/it doesn’t define you/lower weight doesn’t equal healthy blah blah blah, I’ve heard it all and I believe it most of the time. I’d like to think that I’m really not that affected about my weight (even when I look in the mirror, maybe to the point of being delusional) But let me tell you, studying overseas, having the sudden freedom to BUY YOUR OWN GROCERIES AND WHATEVER-THE-HELL-YOU-WANT has not been kind to my body. And that is why I recently started eating healthy, garnishing my meals with green vegetables. (And a bit of exercise)

But, at the same time, it’s so hard to be in a class full of girls with the typical Asian female physique – petite in size, fair-skinned, not to mention, SKINNY. After they went on an entire conversation about losing weight and not being able to wear tank tops cos of their “flabby” (not, fyi) arms, I couldn’t take it any longer. I speed walked home and wrote this post. Didn’t realize how different I was until today, but different in no sense meaning good or bad, just, different. I guess it’s a matter of accepting myself as I am and not changing to conform to any particular type. It’s so hard! 

I’ve been blessed with skinny legs since young (but they were skinnier once upon a time) and my trouble area was undoubtedly my stomach, I had somehow over the course of JC managed to accumulate a gut, able to rival a coffee-shop ahpek who drinks beer every night, yes, and that is no exaggeration. I have tried eating clean and exercising (albeit temporarily) and it didn’t have much (visible) effect, so I stopped. This only served to worsen my gut problem and now I practically only wear looser tops that skim the stomach area. I’m torn between “accepting myself” (which I know could use some work) and just biting the bullet and starting an exercise regime or something.

But there’s one problem: I love food.

Lord help me. 

Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this post other than to vomit all my toxic thoughts that could have killed me in my brain. If you’re facing this problem, I hope you do better than me. At least there’s one thing we can count on, and that is that (consistent) effort always pays off. 



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